If you’re female, it’s likely you’ve considered yourself fat at some point in your life. You’ve probably struggled with your looks, felt insecure about your body, and have called yourself a lot of mean things in your head. It’s crazy to me that women are more educated than ever today, that we’re raised to believe we can achieve anything and do anything, and yet we all seem to universally deal with self doubt and body-shaming.
This post isn’t going to offer you tips on how to love yourself or stop yourself from thinking negatively about your body. I have no sage words of wisdom on that. It’s more just an open ended post about how weight is so relative and yet “fat” is so universal.
I’m struggling with fat.
In roughly a year I’ve gone from this:
(weight: 145ish)
to this:
(weight: 175ish)
I’m now 170ish pounds and while I’m happy I’m headed in the right direction this is absolutely nowhere near where I want to be. I’m thankful I’m healthy, that nothing is wrong with me, and that the extra weight isn’t affecting my energy or abilities. That being said, I feel self-conscious, uncomfortable in my skin, and just large.
This isn’t stress weight. I didn’t gain these pounds by eating my feelings. I gained my weight by enjoying myself too much. This year was the best year of my life. It was also the year I started working a desk job and gained an expendable income. Not all weight gain has a sob story attached. My story is just a good old fashioned love of food.
Now when I say I’m dealing with fat people get it. They can see I’m larger than I should be and support and encourage my weight-loss efforts.
But I remember last year when I was in these moments that are now captured in photos and I felt self-conscious, uncomfortable in my skin, and just large.
Looking back I would kill for this body. At the time I thought I looked really flabby and needed to lose 10 pounds.
Weight is so relative. There are some people who would cry with joy to wake up in a 175 pound body. There are others whose lives would be ruined if they stepped on the scale and saw 145 pounds staring back at them.
The struggle with fat seems to exist regardless of a person’s shape or size. I remember getting a size 6 wedding dress and thinking, “Wow this must run large or something because there’s no way I’m skinny enough to actually fit into this.”
I have a lot of incredibly in-shape friends and I’m amazed that they too struggle with feeling uncomfortable in their skin. Friends that I consider to have perfect bodies are unhappy with how they look.
It just makes me wonder: Are we destined to spend our whole lives wishing for a body we never actually have? Is this a Gen-Y problem? (A first world problem?) Is body acceptance a real thing? Do we ever really find peace with ourselves?
Like I said, this post doesn’t have any answers. Weight has just been on my mind a lot lately. As I find myself defining my weight loss goals it makes me realize that I am looking to get back to where I was. But that when I was there I didn’t want to be.
Questions of the Day: Do you struggle with body acceptance? Have you found peace with your size?
I can totally relate! In a year I’ve gained a lot of weight and went from fit to overweight. I’ve struggled with this new me and the shame I sometimes feel. It got really bad one day when a stranger at a grocery store followed a compliment on my dress with a question about where I got it because “it’s hard to find good looking clothes for us extra fabulous women”. I was SO upset that day because another woman essentially called me fat. She should know better. We should all know better. I shouldn’t have allowed a stranger to make me feel bad about myself. I shouldn’t feel bad about myself. I’ve gained 40 pounds but I’m still me. Great post Erin. It was great seeing you again at Fitbloggin although I’m sad we didn’t hang out more. Hope to see you again soon!
Thank you for sharing your story Lynda! That’s exactly how I feel, like even though I’ve gained all this weight I’m still the same person. I just feel like society has taught us that if we get above a certain weight we should act different and be different. It’s probably all in my head. I just want to be me!
My view of my body has definitely improved drastically as I gotten older. I don’t have this image of a “perfect” body anymore. I don’t want to be perfect. I do see what my body CAN do and that has helped a lot in getting rid of the negative talk.
Thank you Angela! I’m trying to focus on all the positive things my body can do.
I love you for this! You are beautiful either size but I know exactly how you feel. I can still vividly remember what it was like when I was 50 lbs heavier and I could have wrote this post verbatim.
Thanks Erica! I’m trying to learn from and appreciate the journey but oh man do I want to get back to where I was as quickly as possible.
I always think of ERIN BROWN and how she says I DONT STRUGGLE WITH FAT MY BODY NEEDS FAT TO LIVE. IT’S NOT A STRUGGLE (to mangle her quote).
THAT turned my thoughts on their head.
I need to go look her up! Those Erins are wise people! 😀
I love your honesty. You are feeling so many things and opening up to feel them, really feel them and then to write them down, share them and work through those feelings…WOW!
I hope there is peace with body image. I struggle with the whole weight loss/I am fat thing because I do have a teenage daughter (she just turned 15). I want her to NEVER be self conscious and worry about body image. It is such a balancing act. I hope that this next generation can teach us all how to be awesome and confident and comfortable with who we are not just what we look like.
Thanks Jennifer! Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that cares so much about her and her well-being.
post-baby there are definitely some days i struggle.. especially when looking back at old pictures. that being said, i wouldn’t change a thing about my past since it brought me baby william, just like you had a wonderful last year. luckily, we have all the time in the world to get back in shape and like you said – we are healthy!
Thanks Linz! That’s such a good way to look at it!
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more accepting of my body. That said, I think I’ll always see myself as someone “larger” even though I am not. It is good to know that your weight gain came in a year of joy. You are beautiful at any size.
Thank you Marcia! I’m definitely hoping acceptance gets easier with age!
What a courageous post Erin, and something that no girl can deny, no matter what they say. You are right in saying it is all relative, and we will always look for ways to criticize ourselves. As an elite athlete, I am constantly comparing myself to other runners I race against as I am much bigger than them, BUT I think about all those meals I have enjoyed that they haven’t, and how much stronger I am than them, and it reminds me that I am doing the right thing. I of course have doubts, but even with a body that some say they would kill for, I still find myself looking for ways to improve. I think that is only natural, as long as it does not become obsessive.
Love who YOU are, we do 🙂
Thanks so much Tina! I think you’re exactly right. It’s normal and healthy to want to improve, it’s not when it becomes all you can think about and affects the rest of your life.
You are BEAUTIFUL inside and out! It’s tough settling into year one of marriage for sure! I know working with Jess that you’ve got this!!
Thanks Kat! Yes, Jess has been amazing! She’s really helping me feel strong and in control of my weight loss journey.
All the time. Especially as I get older. But I make myself stop and appreciate my body and what it can do.
I appreciate my body for doing so much for me. I think I need to be nicer to it.
Yes, what Pamela said.Focusing on what your body can do makes you tolerate . . . . er, even appreciate the imperfections and places that need improvement
Thanks Jennifer! I’m really trying to focus on that.
I do find it crazy how weight and “fat” are so relative. I see people and think wow she looks amazing, I’d kill to be that fit, and yet that girl thinks she is fat.
However, I do find it gets easier to accept myself as I get older.
I’m hoping it gets easier as I get older. I’m so happy with every part of my life, except for the way I look. It’s such a hard thing to not feel in control of when it should be one of the easiest things to control.
Amen to every single word of this! I can totally relate, 100%. When I we getting ready for my wedding, eating like a bird, and working out like a crazy person, I’d still criticize myself every time I walked past a mirror. Now 2 years later, and about 10 lbs heavier, I find myself looking back longingly at those wedding pictures thinking how good I looked and how much I’d love to be there again. I dont know how we as a female population ended up in this terribly vicious cycle, but I sure how we can figure out how to break it! Beautifully written post, Erin!
Thanks Stephanie! It’s amazing how many people are struggling with the same thing and think they’re the only ones. Talking can definitely help!
This post is so good, I feel the same. I was ten pounds lighter two years ago and like you thought I was flabby and needed to lose more. I still want to lose those last five pounds but know to do So I’d have to cut calories and cut out some fun and I don’t think I’m willing to do that. I can’t train for a marathon and cut my calories Aka fuel! I may be ten pounds heavier but this body sweats 5 days a week, deadlifts her bodyweight at crossfit, and ran a freaking marathon. I hate that as girls most of us never feel happy. There is such a high prevalence of eating/ exercise disorders now esp add I read that pretty much 75% of healthy living bloggers had one. Be happy, you are beautiful! Leo balancing things and I’m sure you’re body will find where it needs to be!
Thanks Lauren! I’m really trying to find balance.
Oh Erin I love this for so many reasons. First off, self criticism is certainly universal regardless of size. What gets me is sometimes if you are “thin” or “fit” it’s almost as if you’re not allowed to have those thoughts because gosh if you’re thin what do you have to complain about? All women, regardless of size, suffer from insecurity from time to time.
The older I get the more I realize it’s all relative.
Thanks Madeline! I really wish insecurity wasn’t so universal.
I give you SO MUCH credit for posting those photos (with the numbers attached), and while I don’t have answers, and often struggle with similar things (right now I am exercising a ton and watching what I eat and the scale does.not.budge…. and I also don’t want to live my life watching what I eat, because like you I love food), I just wanted to say that really, I admire you for being so upfront with your journey in this post.
Thanks so much Becca! I just figure I connect most with someone when they’re open and honest, so I thought I’d do the same.
You look beautiful in both pictures, woman! It is a total mind struggle, and it saddens me that this plagues probably 98% of American women. I too am one in that percentage. I competed in a figure show and STILL felt fat some days even though I was carrying about 10% body fat at the time! I would honestly laugh and say “I feel fat, which is ridiculous because I am the leanest I have ever been, but I feel fat!” I wish there was an easy way to free ourselves from the harsh judgement we put upon ourselves, but there is no easy answer. The best we can do is work every single day to realize that life is more than a number on the scale, the way our arm looks in a picture, or an old pair of jeans that no longer fits.
Thank you so much Kim! You’re right, we’re so much more than the measurements we give ourselves.
“There are some people who would cry with joy to wake up in a 175 pound body. There are others whose lives would be ruined if they stepped on the scale and saw 145 pounds staring back at them.”
THANK YOU. This is so important and so easy to forget.
Thanks Ella. 🙂
This article captures the way all girls feel, no matter their size. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading Aileen!
This is a very honest post, and that’s admirable! My 20s were overindulgent and it showed on the scale. It sure was fun, though. I think it is possible to become comfortable in the body you’re in. I had to make it out of my 20s to get there, but today, I’m happy with where I am. It took a lot of effort to get there and I’m happily in a maintaining mode. It’s not 100% all day every day kind of body love, but I never want to go back to my before pictures.
Thanks Kim! I just figure if I’m going to share my stories I might as well put it all out there. I know I appreciate when other people do the same. I’m so glad you’ve found balance, acceptance, and love.
Erin – I completely understand where you’re coming from. In my 20’s I went from 150 to almost 200 pounds. Now in my mid 30’s I hang out somewhere between 165-175. What some people would call fat, but it’s where I feel most comfortable. I spent so much of my 20’s struggling with body image & I look back and regret that.
You are a beautiful woman, inside & out. I look at both of your pictures and notice your genuine smile & love for life….not your weight. If you ever want to talk, I am here. 🙂
Thank you so much Maureen! I really appreciate that! And I’m so glad you’ve found your body’s happy place.
It’s such a tough issue. Like you I wonder if there really are any people out there – at least, yes, in the Western world – unconditionally loving themselves [not others because I believe -that- is possible] in terms of their looks. Media around here obviously has a huge influence.
I’ve been unhappy with myself as an overweight child, I won’t pretend I was completely happy now. Some days I feel more, some days less confident. Even if I’m not sure anybody’s 100 % confident with the way they look I -do- believe it gets easier with the years. Maybe because we realize there’s so much more defining us than our physique. Fingers crossed we’ll get to that point of acceptance.
I’m crossing my fingers too! Because you’re right, there is so much more that defines us! Thanks for sharing your story!
Girl I starting gaining weight my first year of marriage too. It’s called being happy! 😉 I’ve never had to worry about fat and my weight until after I had my babies. Your body changes so much with pregnancy and for it not to go back to the way it was was so depressing for me. I did Weight Watchers and lost 40 pounds after my first child only to get pregnant again. A few years after my second child I started running consistently and that helped at first. But recently I just started eating and eating because I was a runner and I needed to eat! Only I was eating way too much than I was burning off. That’s what led me to start logging all my food and my recent weight loss of 23 pounds. But I still see the fat girl in the mirror to this day. I hate that women feel this way! Hugs girl! We are in this together and we can do it! You are beautiful inside and out Erin!!!
Congratulations on your weight loss!! That is such a huge accomplishment. Isn’t it crazy how we can’t see what other people do when it comes to ourselves?
I am SO glad you decided to write about this topic since SO many people can and do relate!!
Thanks Hannah! Yeah it amazes me how many women deal with this. I always feel like we think we’re the only ones, and then once someone talks about it everyone’s like, “me too!”
I think you hit the nail on the head: it is universal (and I’m GenX almost boomer). I don’t know that I am ever quite happy with my body, although I know there are times when I am just about satisfied (now not being one!). Not quite sure how we got here as a society, but it’s probably time we turn back!
PS–love that you say you gained weight just enjoying life and that there’s not some big emotional baggage attached to it. I think that is totally normal and probably more prevalent than we realize.
Thank you! Yeah I just feel like when I tell people that I gained weight they expect me to have a tragic life event or sadness that triggered it. I just really like food. I’m working on finding a better balance.
I love this post! I definitely feel ya! I often find myself bashing my body despite the fact that I’m probably the fittest I have ever been. We need to learn to appreciate the bodies we have, regardless of our weight or our weight loss goals.
This post definitely makes me step back and say a few nice words to myself!
That makes me so happy to hear Sara! We all need to be kinder to ourselves.
I thought you looked great at Fitbloggin’ but I do understand that it would be uncomfortable to gain weight in a short time. A desk job definitely can do that. I can say for sure that this is not a Gen-Y problem because I’m an Xer and when I look back at my old college photos from when I thought I was “fat” at 135 pounds, I want to cry.
Thanks Jen! It was so great seeing you! Isn’t it crazy how we have to look back to be able to see what we really looked like? I don’t know why we’re not able to do that in the present.
Desk jobs will kill you. It’s always such a struggle to be happy with one’s body when it’s not the body you were used to a year ago. I’ve gained some weight this year as well. Not a major problem since I’m still healthy, but I definitely feel more uncomfortable with myself than before.
Good luck!
Thanks Liana! Yeah I’m trying to get moving at work as much as I can. I’m lucky to be able to use an exercise ball as my chair so I try and bounce around on that around my office.
This was a great story! At 25, I feel more secure in my body than I did in high school or college, but it’s still not where I wish it was. As a nutrition student I feel good about how I feel in my body and no longer have guilt anymore about anything I eat, and have to remember that that’s what matters most! I’m glad to hear you had the best year of your life….because that’s what matters most!
Thanks Chelsey! I’m so glad you’ve found a much healthier relationship with food and your body!
Wow, I could have written this post myself.
I’ve never been “skinny” before, but I’ve put on a lot of weight in the last year or so, despite being active (which I know you are). Honestly, it’s frustrating because there’s SO many reasons I’ve gained weight, but I’d point it to a combination of getting older, working a desk job and loving food.
I’m consciously trying to make changes, so I hope I’m heading in the right direction, but it’s a struggle and it bothers me a lot. I know there’s people that would kill for my shape, but I’d kill for my old shape, even though I felt fat at the time. We’re totally our own worst critics 🙁
Thanks for sharing such a courageous post!
xo Jackie
Something About That
Thanks Jackie! It sounds like we’re going through very similar journeys. If you ever want to talk – I’m here! 🙂
This is such a good post & I can definitely relate. When I graduated college, I was at a decent weight (although not super happy with it) and my first “real” job was second shift, 3-11pm. I wouldn’t get home until nearly midnight, stay up until 3-4am and then slept until noon or later, ate a ton of junk & never worked out. I gained about 15 pounds when I finally said enough was enough about two years ago. Like you, I just felt ‘large’ although I knew I was still healthy.
I’ve since lost all of the weight I gained plus more & been able to keep it off but there are plenty of days where I still feel like that ‘larger’ person I was before. I still struggle with being comfortable in how I look in my clothes. I’m not sure if it is something that will ever change but regardless, it’s important to maintain & keep doing the best you can!
Thanks for sharing your story Megan! I agree, all we can do is the best we can!
10 years ago – I hated myself. I was so incredibly insecure. I am thrilled to report that I currently love my body and myself 🙂 It’s such a phenomenal feeling, being confident. But it definitely takes time – and a wonderful support system!!
That is so encouraging to hear! Thanks GiGi! 🙂
Hi Erin!
I totally think you hit everything on point and you are so brave for posting on a topic like this. Honestly, in today’s media-frenzied world, I’m not sure that anyone is comfortable with their bodies completely and those that are, are incredibly confident people who I hands-down admire.
I think we have all come across or are at a point where there is something that we feel can be self-improved on. Whether we’re uncomfortable about moles, bra size, thigh gaps, belly fat, how we look in our jeans, whether our hair is frizzing everywhere. Coming to that piece with yourself is really about accepting yourself for who you are, with your faults and imperfections. If only we could see ourselves from the eyes of someone else, I think we’d all feel SO MUCH better about our gorgeous selves.
For the record, you look great! And honestly, if you don’t feel that you look as amazing as you do, think about how happy you’ve been this past year. Your weight gain was a happy gain, not a miserable one, so you can make it a happy loss too, if that’s what you hope for.
<3 S
Yes! I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t felt self-conscious about some part of her body, no matter how fit she is. This is a great post!
This is a great post; thank you for being so open and honest, and I really like how you emphasized the weight gain was due to something positive….more $$$ and some delicious food! This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Body image is something I have ALWAYS struggled with. I’m so back and forth day to day, and even within a day. Some days I feel great about my body, other days I feel frustrated and self conscious and plan the changes I’ll make to my diet to do something about it.
But then when it comes down to it I know I’m physically healthy and I want to stay mentally healthy to…so I don’t skip that extra tablespoon of nut butter like I had planned or go out for that delicious dinner. I’ve never had an eating disorder or have never felt the need to go to any extremes to change my appearance, which makes me think that yes, maybe this IS just something we as a generation are destined to deal with. There are more efforts in the media these days to accept our bodies the way we are and understand that not everyone is going to be a tall slim model which I think is fantastic, but it still reinforces that we had a negative mindset about our bodies in the first place.
I haven’t commented on a blog post in MONTHS but I just needed to tell you how amazing you are for putting yourself out there. It’s so true that women in general are uncomfortable with their bodies; no matter what size. People at work are always telling me “I wish I was as skinny as you” or “Laura could eat the whole damn cake if she wanted to” but what they don’t realize is that I don’t WANT to be this skinny, it ISN’T natural (ED history), and I DON’T like my body. Skinny, thin, fit–none of these mean that someone is happy with the way they look and you wrote about that flawlessly.
Thank you.
Most of my life, I was skinny. And I mean. . .SKINNY. I never saw myself that way. I looked in the mirror and saw an awkward girl who was sick with worry about her appearance. Then I fell in love. Love makes you fat. (Well, I think just living life and having an amazing time can do that.) Before getting pregnant, I was at my heaviest (besides the pregnancy pounds). Last summer, I was at my skinniest in probably a decade. The pounds have snuck back, but I am trying to curve the obsession. I think it’s important to be healthy and comfortable in your own skin. I think you look beautiful and you seemed very focused on staying healthy. That should be your goal. That number on the scale has always got me in trouble. I want to throw it away. 😉 Great post!
Wow! This is so well put! Thank you for your vulnerability and speaking out truthfully on what so many of us (women especially are feeling.) It feels silly and narcissistic at times to focus so much on body and body image, but it it there nonetheless. I often have a similar conversation with my health minded, fit, girlfriends. I am not sure what we are striving for…but just like you, we have all pinched areas on our beautifully created bodies and felt “fat.” Some time last year I had an in depth conversation with a friend that inspired me to write about the “new 100%”, a concept I greatly believe in.
Here is my post-http://www.habitudefitness.com/2014/01/23/try-it-thursday-your-new-100/
The just of it being that life is constantly changing and to always look back and say I want to be “there” where I once was may just not be possible. We may have to redefine our new “best” due to life changes and circumstances.
I am a trainer, a blogger, and lover of wellness. But I am no elite trainer, nor do I have the desire to be one. I can’t eat protein bars and chicken breast every day, and you better believe I am going to enjoy a glass of wine with my husband on the weekends. If that means I carry an extra 5-oh well…I feel more balanced this way, and for me, balance is beauty.
THANK you for this post. I am sharing it as we speak!
xx